Also for Chinese football! Our players are like eunuchs in a brothel: no one can shoot.

The other night, I was alone at home so I shut the door, drew the curtains and started watching the Chinese football team on CCTV5. Five minutes later, I was startled to hear a key in the lock so I quickly turned the TV off. My friend came in and saw me looking very embarrassed. "Have you been watching pornography?" he said. "Oh no, of course not, never," I replied. But he was still suspicious so he turned on the TV and saw the match. "Oh my god! You were watching the Chinese team," he said. My face went bright red. "No, no, I was watching porn."

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Advertisement for a television show: There has been a sudden outbreak of disease near a Beijing river, all life in the water has perished and the plants along the banks are withering. Is this because of a deadly new pesticide? Is it a chemical attack? Please tune in and watch tonight's special documentary: "Chinese footballers wash their feet in the river."

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Brazil are playing China in the football. Just before kick-off, Alex Pato, the Brazilian superstar, is so confident that he says to his team: "I can handle this match by myself." So the rest of the team go to the pub for a drink. Sure enough, five minutes into the game, Pato scores. The team, watching from the bar are delighted and expected a flood of other goals. But after 90 minutes, the game ends 1-0. Pato joins up with his team-mates, looking dejected. "Cheer up," they say, "You were all alone against 11 Chinese players, yet you still won. You did a great job."

Pato refuses to be comforted. "You haven't heard the whole story. After I scored that first goal, I fouled a Chinese player and got sent off."